I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
