Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
