so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
