Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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