he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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