life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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