we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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