watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
