i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
