I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
