So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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