My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am one with the molecules
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
