I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
