You really coming over, don't trick.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
