You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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