Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
