Me. At least after what I've been through.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
how does that bad decision feel?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
