You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
