my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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