For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
