Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
