I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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