I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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