I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
