Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
