Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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