somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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