it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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