I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
