i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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