My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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