he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
