FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
