I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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