end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
