someone threw a dead crab at me
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
