Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
