also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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