saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
