Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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