I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
