It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
