the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think i got beer on your cat.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
