if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
