We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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