I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just blew my weed a kiss
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
