2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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