No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
