Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
