Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I came so hard my ears popped.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
