My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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