i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
