O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
