hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
