What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
