Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
