He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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