watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
