Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
