I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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